Jim Pfaendtner
In academia we talk a lot about mentorship and its importance in professional formation. Sometimes the word can take on an overcharged meaning and outsized impact leading to a huge amount of unnecessary intimidation, anxiety and avoidance. Resources on being an effective and inclusive mentor abound online and I believe most anyone in higher education with a sincere interest in being an excellent mentor will have access to resources to develop that capacity.
But about about the flip side? We almost never talk about being mentored. I have been thinking obsessively about this subject for years, especially since reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In [c.f., Chapter 6: Are you my mentor?]. Much of what I’ll share below is intuitive and empirical. I am not a sociologist or psychologist and what has worked for me might not work for you. However, once you (the mentee) think about it I believe you will clearly understand “menteeship” is a trainable skill and a capacity you can (and should) work to build. You have a critical role to play in being mentored and the success will depend on you as much as the mentor.
If you join my research group, you will quickly learn that I love metaphors and stories as devices to use in my mentorship. It is a deeply engrained part of my style — not to be confused with the specific technique, which in this case is often getting you to see yourself in a new perspective and be open to a different way of thinking about a topic (e.g., imposter syndrome). In that vein, I offer the act of “menteeship” the process of extracting useful work from your mentor. Your mentor has knowledge, empathy and wisdom and you want it. They are obviously interested in providing it (or they wouldn’t be spending time with you), so how can you help?
The truth is, we’re already more than 50% of the way there. Just by taking a moment and tuning you into the fact that “mentorship” is an active process for both mentor and mentee your mind is already thinking about ways to increase your participation in the relationship, wondering how you can help, make the experience more effective, etc. Here are a few other tips that might help you go a bit further and guide your thinking.
Understand what you want from your mentoring relationship. Even if it as primitive as “I want help with X” that is useful for you to know. You don’t necessarily need to share this with your mentor, but it will provide purpose and clarity to the questions you ask, the way you listen, and the feedback you seek. You will have many mentors with many different forms of mentoring (formal, informal, spontaneous, etc.) but if you can’t articulate at least a primitive idea about what you are hoping to get from a mentor — then maybe you are just friends :) I’ve often sought specific advice about managing my workload, conflict management, career planning and I often turn to different mentors for different topics. Professor X knows she is my career guru, but we have never really done a deep dive into diversity, etc…
Ask for specific suggestions, follow them, and follow-up. Early on in my experience as a CrossFit athlete, I noticed that the owner of my gym took a personal interest in my success and made a point to reach out and ask me if I wanted to talk about my goals in fitness/health/nutrition. In the course of our conversations she provided me with several suggestions and followed up with a detailed training plan after I identified my specific goal (it was to do a handstand pushup). I followed the plan, reported back to her on how it was going, and a wonderful coach/athlete relationship was formed that lasted for years. I clearly recall asking her, “why me?” After all it is great to receive attention, but surely there were more skilled athletes who should have received that time (imposter syndrome is even there in the gym!) She laughed and said something like, “It’s easy. You asked for help, you did what I said and you told me how it went - almost nobody does that”. The point is not that you have to mindlessly follow every piece of advice that is given to you. But what happens if you never follow any of the advice, if you don’t internalize some suggestions, and if you never tell your mentor if/what impact the advice is having?
Ask for what you think you need, not what you think your mentor can provide. I cannot count the number of conversations I’ve had with well-intentioned mentees who share something like, “I’d love to (meet more often / have you read X / ask you about Y / …) but I was worried that ( you’re too busy / I should figure it out on my own / …)” You can get the idea. I want to emphasize that as a mentee it is your job to ask for what you think you need. Your mentor usually can’t read your mind or your heart and is not going to figure it out for you (although some become pretty good at it over time). My universal response to all such protests is that it is my job to figure out what to provide to you. If you ask to meet with me 2 hrs/week, I usually can’t accommodate that, but it is going to start an important conversation about what you need in your life that requires that much time. We wouldn’t have had that conversation if you hadn’t asked. You’re a smart person and you get the idea. Don’t hamstring yourself by holding back.
If you are grateful for mentorship, share your gratitude. If you have been a mentor in the past, why have you done it? If you haven’t yet, why would you want to do it? What are the intangible benefits you think might befall being a mentor? Now ask yourself what role does the mentee have assisting the mentor reaching their goals. As a mentee, I have often had a profound sense of gratitude for the time people invest in me, the thought they put in to helping me and the care they have given to me. It makes me incredibly happy to share that with with mentors, because I know that such feedback is both meaningful and rare. Life is busy and complicated and gratitude is one of the first things we put on the shelf. I would argue that one of the best ways you can recharge your mentor’s batteries (and keep them interested and able to help you) is to share some of the positive impacts they’ve made in your life and to be gracious and thankful for their investment of time in you. I understand why you might forget to do this, or why it might feel awkward or unnatural - but trust me and give it a try.
Good luck. You are eminently capable of being an excellent mentee. Go get it.